I've made it frighteningly and insultingly apparent to myself that I need to work on my social skills. I have a pretty easy time talking to people who don't make a difference to me, or to close friends, but I have absolutely no social grace when I'm in the prescence of someone who actually interests me. I'm not talking about pretty girls or some alpha-male figure whom I should want to impress; they can take a cock between the eyes and fuck off. No, it's when somebody says something interesting to me, that I can't seem to function. You'd think that having someone open conversation with a topic that interests me would make it easy to communicate; that my friends is a cock-eyed fallacy. Two instances just this past week have convinced me that I have all the magnificent social finesse of a legless badger with tourette's, or maybe an inside-out turtle in a hot skillet. First, I was walking to meet my friends at the Coffee Cat: our usual place to go when we haven't much to do. I had constructed a life size, wearable, big daddy drill arm, and had brought it to the Coffee Cat to show my fellow mentlegen, and on the way there I was stopped by a striking young woman who said, "Oh that's cool. Are you making a big daddy costume?" So how did your stunningly charismatic and witty narrator respond? Well at first, I didn't. Then I turned bright red and stammered something extremely intelligent like, "I... uh..." or ".....How did you know?" FUCK. THIS. SHIT.
Instance #2 came about when I wore my steampunk monocle around my neck in Vons. At the checkout line, the cashier (female) noticed this and said " That's neat, kinda steampunk right?" Of course I immediately leapt onto the conveyor belt and proceeded to expertly woo her with my romantic and uncontrollable wit. Then reality kicked my ass and shaved my head and brought me back into the real world where it seems I had been standing blanky for the past 10 seconds. I thanked her for the compliment, bid her a nice day, and left.
This is discouraging, because not only did I make a complete jackass of myself in front of two potentially interesting people, but the type of woman who draws my attention is rare. I've found most women my age are pretentious, bitchy, obnoxious, malcontent, dependent, stupid, demanding, and dishonest. In a nutshell, they're BORING! They're just so typical and similar to the rest, it just makes me twitch. Maybe I'm just nucking futs, but I seem to be attracted to stark raving mad lunatics. I think it's because they're so honest with themselves and so unconcerned with what others think, that it makes me feel like the lunatics are the only people who are real. Everyone else is just a ghost of someone else's thoughts or memories. Maybe I'm a ghost.
Two comments in one day. Hot damn, I'm one cah-raaaaaazy fox.
ReplyDeleteAhem, anyway, onto the point that I very obviously possess. You, my friend, have a problem very similar to my own; your brain shuts down when a topic of interest is brought about, and you proceed to make a giant gaping dickbag of yourself. Fortunately for you, you have the lesser of two evils. Where you have the good sense to keep your mouth shut and go about your day, leaving behind a semblance of mystery for the ladies to salivate over, I do the complete opposite.
I ramble. And I ramble. And I ramble…kinda like I’m doing right now. Finally, I ramble so much and go on a such a heinous TMI tangent, that I not only frighten away promising mates, but manage to procure a mental restraining order.
Long story short, could always be worse. Besides, you’re cute. Shut your face.
Face is shut, now communicating via morse code. And TMI tangents? Pshhaww, if anything that just makes for good fun and interesting conversation. Most guys I know are just sick of people being so bland, I hardly think they would have that problem with you. And rambling is comforting, especially if they have that "Oh no, what the fuck do I say?" complex. You're doin' just fine. Besides, puzzles intrigue men, and a pretty girl giving them TMI is a quandary indeed
ReplyDeleteWait, do you mean TMI as in "Too Much Information" or as in "Terrible Mental Image"?
ReplyDelete