Here's a Resume I Typed Up to Apply for Jobs

Alex Petersen
895 **** Avenue
Santa Barbara, CA 93111
Cell: (805)*Fuck you, don't call me*
Email: alexmooseman@gmail.com

Objective:
I am a sixteen year-old personable Santa Barbara High School student looking for a position as a busboy, waiter or host  in an upscale hotel or restaurant. I suffer from multiple personality disorder; my alter ego thinks he's a 600 pound, highly aggressive  gorilla name Marvin, and is liable to attack at any moment. Marvin is prone to tearing people limb from limb, eating fecal matter, and humping expensive furniture.  Should you find yourself face to face with Marvin, and there are no firearms within immediate reach, DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT. Instead, avert your eyes, assume the safety position (head between legs with thumbs tucked securely into ass), and pretend you're Elvis (I know this is difficult whilst in safety position, but it's your only hope). That aside, I'm a pretty easy going guy.

Work Experience:

Café Shell, Santa Barbara, CA - (805)965-5742

Busboy - 05/15/10 - 11/06/10

Responsibilities

·         Run Food

·         Bus dishes

·         Wash dishes

·         Set & clear tables

·         Clean floors and windows

·         Refill beverages

·         T-bag beverages

·         Take out trash/ recycling

·         Scare children

·         Smuggle opiates  into the back of the restaurant

Animal Humane Society, Santa Barbara, CA -  (805)964-4777
Volunteer (Rabbit Shelter) -  7/21/09 - 9/12/09
Responsibilities

·         Refill food & water

·         Change bedding

·         Clean Cages

·         Handle Rabbits

·         Monitor  rabbits' out-of-cage activities

·         Sent rabbits to meat processing plant

·         Production of rabbit sausages

Education:

Santa Barbara High School (Still attending)
VADA-Visual Arts & Design Academy